Smiling Gives You Wrinkles

You've got a white booger in your nose.

2012-01-27T15:51:00.000-08:00

As soon as I saw her empty wide eyed, coked up face walk through my office door without knocking, I knew I had to exercise the long dormant muscles used for smiling.

When she introduced herself for the 14th time, all I could hear was, "Hi! I'm Queen Moron."

"Yes, I know."

I love you, Indie!

2011-12-12T15:29:00.000-08:00

Surprisingly, the date was going well. The conversations were interesting during our meal. We both agreed that the Indiana Jones movies were a great addition to our childhood memories. I was shining inside. It'd been so long since I'd been able to connect to someone. Out of nowhere I said in the voice of Short Round, "Dr. Jones!"

His smile turned into a frown.

"Please don't do that. I can now only picture you as a little Asian boy."

There was nothing but silence after that.

It belongs in the dust bin.

2011-09-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

I had nothing but good intentions when I saw the little girl walking down the bustling city street. She looked so innocent and she was all by herself. Her purple puffy jacket and glitter shoes were begging for some creep on the street to abduct her.

I had to protect her. I followed her closely. I could see all the men in suits look at her strangely. After all, she was a child walking around the financial district. What was her business there? Was she lost?

I stayed close by. We both stopped at the cross walk. She took two steps away from me and looked up. She was probably 40 years old. The dwarf looked at me like I was the predator.

Some things shouldn't be allowed to glisten.

2011-07-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

As soon as the alien was about to completely disembowel the redneck, "FACEBOOK!"

I hated her before I even saw her heavily gelled bleach blonde faux hawk and anchor tattoo. I paused my movie and looked up.

"Hello. Can I help you?"

"You lookin' at Facebook?"

"No. How many coats?"

"Two. Let's be friends."

If using a linoleum knife on a primate was legal, she would be the perfect candidate.

She told me to watch clips of a particular female comedian. "She's not a dyke like me. Her humor isn't feminist or anything. Check her out."

I thought to myself, "If she's nothing at all like you, I just might."

Before running off to the bar to do something just as stupid, she said, "You know. I'm a stand up comedian. I'm pretty funny."

She was also pretty dense. I didn't smile once. She still wanted to be my friend.

Throughout the evening, she kept yelling, "FACEBOOK!" She told me it was my nickname. I wanted nothing more than to put her in a duffle bag at the bottom of the sea.

I thought I had the worst of this annoying manling.

At the end of the night, she collected her items. She then asked me, "Is there something wrong with my pants?"

She was exposing her rear and her prickly blonde hairs. "I'm a stand up comedian."

I hope she dies. I was not amused.

He was most likely conceived with a weak sperm cell.

2011-05-02T16:41:00.000-07:00

I always knew there was something a little off about my tutee. For 2 years I'd been his personal tutor for his web design courses. When he was up for his final review, he was having trouble with his final project (the project that would allow him to finally say that he had an MFA). It wasn't much of a project at all in fact. It was just a collection of articles from wikipedia.

In an attempt to get him to change the direction of his project, I asked him, "Why don't you look at your subject matter differently? Look at its beginnings and how it has evolved into what it is today."

"I don't believe in evolution."

That was over 2 years ago. He's still trying to get his degree.

So that's where I got it.

2011-04-02T20:24:00.000-07:00

After he told me, "You're fat." I grabbed his hand and held it so gently. My mouth came close to his ear. I'm sure he could feel my breath on his neck.

I whispered sweetly, "It's not a good idea to say something like that to a blood relative of a dictator."

I'm pretty sure she used conditioner on it.

2011-03-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

I couldn't understand my dorm roommate's reasoning for telling me that my very eclectic music collection was shit. All 150 CDs in her possession were ska.

After that moment, I decided not to tell Uggo that she needed more than bleach to conceal her bristly mustache. My neighbor's kid brother noticed Uggo's facial forest when he ran into her during his visit. He was traumatized.

"You look like a walrus."

You made my ears bleed. Leave me alone.

2011-03-11T15:36:00.000-08:00

The no talent pop star entered the room when I was trying to fall asleep on the floor in my friend's room. I knew he would say something that would test my patience. Ever since my arrival, fuck face tried to get into my pants.

"You know… I have a place for you to sleep in my room."

"I'm not into bestiality."

I put the blanket over my head.

Bless me father for I have sinned.

2011-03-10T13:04:00.000-08:00

I had to make Mother proud. She always considered me to be the demon child. This was the best that I could do. That day I pretended to believe in the imaginary sky god. I let the priest slather palm oil on my forehead. They bought it. I fulfilled the sacrament of confirmation.

Hours later hives broke out on my forehead. It was an omen. Hail Satan.

Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra!

2011-02-04T12:55:00.000-08:00

I thought it would be a great idea to drink a few shots of whiskey before the last company holiday party I attended. I didn't want to wait in long lines for the free cheaply made booze and mingle with people who are just as disgruntled as I am.

While waiting in the buffet line, I was introduced to one of the executives.

He said, "I think I've met you before."

That was my first time meeting him. I looked at the two of him and said, "All look same."

His eyes grew wider. I didn't realize the Asian guy from HR was standing behind me.

The answer is 'souffle'.

2011-01-29T23:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not the type of woman to tense up and become nervous when I have a stupid crush. This guy was different. His genetic sequence allowed him to grow into a physically gorgeous human being.

When he approached me, I was in the process of filling out a crossword puzzle. His face was close to mine and he pointed at my newspaper. Heart palpitations.

"That answer is 'bread'."

I had to point out that the word contained 7 letters. Sigh.

"Is that a smart people puzzle?"

I should have slapped him.

Actually, I'm not that horny.

2011-01-21T15:51:00.000-08:00

To this day, I still cringe when I think about the moment I became a creep. I was a sleep deprived graphic design student at the time. I wasn't thinking clearly when I went up to my victim in the art supply store.

"Do you have boners here?"

I meant to ask if the store carried bone folders.

It's not a stick shift.

2010-12-29T16:10:00.000-08:00

I never realized how traumatic driver's education could be for a 15 year old girl. Out of all the the instructors, the company managed to pair me up with a tiny Asian man. I believe I was taller than this guy.

I scared him a few times before driving on the freeway.

"I hate the freeway. Are you ready to die?"

He wasn't amused. He decided to up the ante before the end of the lesson.

"You know in Singapore there are people who worship the penis."

"Uh. I did not know that."

"They like to kiss it."

Don't pet that pussy. It's dirty.

2010-12-20T12:04:00.000-08:00

When my feline, Furball, ran away and probably died by the creek, Mother quickly replaced her with a scraggly feral monster named Lucy.

Lucy loved to be free. She also loved to show her appreciation for her daily ration of dried balls of nutrients. I would find rodent hearts at the front door, rodent heads in the garage, and sometimes pieces of birds. They were all presents.

Her gifts were no longer cute when I dove to the very bottom of the pool. I opened my eyes.

Muffled screams. Bubbles. Panic. Where was the surface?

Finally, air. I projectile vomited as soon as I got out of the pool.

Lucy threw a mutilated four pound rat into the pool.

I'm glad she didn't offer me a red delicious apple.

2010-12-08T12:06:00.000-08:00

Brother and I were dropped off at a scary and unfamiliar house. The only things missing were a swamp and fog. The situation did involve a rickety old woman. Somehow Mother managed to find the scariest babysitter. I guess it was a time of desperation.

She had a glass eyeball. When I confronted her about her missing organ, she said, "A cat sneezed on my eye."

Sorry, but I don't have a daddy complex.

2010-12-06T11:13:00.000-08:00

He was older… way older. The pleated pants were the first indication.

He gave me a hug and wouldn't stop staring at me with an indescribable perversion in his eyes. Everyone could tell I was a bit freaked out and overwhelmed. I couldn't just shut the door and hide. I was working my second job. The fake smile showed itself. The group and I chatted for a bit, but all I could think about was inserting an ice pick into his eye socket.

The undesirable one questioned me about the jewelry in my ears.

"What gauge are you wearing?"

"Double zero."

"My 13 year old daughter is aiming for that size."

At that point, I felt like I was talking to a father trying to be cool with his daughter's friends. And I was one of her friends.

A voice from the crowd said, "Have you gotten anymore tattoos?"

"Yes."

Undesirable said, "I would love to see your tattoos."

"No."

They all withdrew to join the crowd upstairs. Finally, a moment to breathe.

About fifteen minutes later, pleated pants came back. He kept trying to make small talk. I was stuck. I tried my best to make him go away. He still wouldn't take the hint. He wanted me to drink with the boys after the show. I declined.

I wasn't really listening to anything he was saying. I started to pay attention after he said, "We really should have some fun after the show if you know what I mean."

He even winked.

Horrific.

"I'm sorry, but I have take a break. There's something wrong with my stomach and I need to use the restroom."

He still tried to convince me to sleep with him after I told him I had to take a shit.

I think you need to change your tampon.

2010-12-02T10:27:00.000-08:00

I bet he uses L.A. Looks.

2010-11-15T11:55:00.000-08:00

I told the guy to meet up with my friends and me at the pub. It was girl night. I needed to present him before the best panel of judges. I had my drunk goggles on when I met him. I didn't know what to expect.

He arrived. All eyes were on him.

I kept thinking, "I don't remember him being this old. Strike one."

I could see everyone's eyes grow wider as soon as he took off his hat. Holy shit, a flat top.

"Strike three."

Use this. It's magic.

2010-11-09T15:54:00.000-08:00

When I was in first grade, Brother decided that he wanted to smash a bag of lava rocks against the side of my face. Let's just say that flesh was missing. He ran off to hide while I was fending for my life. My innocent face was mauled.

I ran to the maid for emergency services. Little did I know, I was going to lose my eyesight as well that day. The freshly imported maid decided that Vick's VapoRub was Jesus' magical cure for all ailments. She took a huge helping from the jar and slathered it all over my excruciatingly painful wound.

Yes, she put decongestant ointment on my flesh. The petroleum based product liquefied and traveled into my eye.

My eye was rendered unusable that morning.

After all of this happened, my carpool picked me up. He was completely mortified and wanted me to stay home. The maid gave him a nod to say that I was fit for schooling that day. I went to class.

As soon as the first lesson was finished, I was called into the principal's office. Teacher was concerned that I was being abused by my parents.

I'm pretty sure her vagina swallowed a man whole at some point.

2010-11-03T16:21:00.000-07:00

I didn't really know what I was getting myself into when I befriended Fupa. Most people at the dorms thought I was either gay or a "witch" (don't ask).

She approached me when I was smoking. She caught me off guard.

"Wow, I'm pretty sure people think she's more fucked up than me. I think I'll participate in this conversation." I thought to myself.

"I like your shirt."

I looked down to see what I was wearing. Ugh. A band shirt.

"Thanks. I saw them the other night."

"I've seen them so many times. I love those dudes. They're my best friends. They're going to play a birthday show for me."

Uh huh.

We went to a few shows together. I discontinued the friendship after she took me to her parents' house.

"We're going to take you out of the university. You're gonna go to a state school. All you care about is what band you're going to see next."

Apparently she was going insane. I'll have none of that.

Years later her fupa grew exponentially. When I run into her, I can't look her in the eye, especially after finding out she is quite a fan of getting gang banged.

I don't need a boyfriend anymore. I've got my vibrator.

2010-10-28T16:45:00.000-07:00

The emo faggot showed up at my apartment. He wanted to "talk" inside my house. I had to destroy his little heart the way he crushed mine.

"Take me back."

"Let's go to the beach. I'll drive."

I pretended that I wanted to hear what he had to say. I even smiled and touched his shoulder. I didn't say anything during the 3 mile drive. When I pulled into the parking space, he started to speak.

"Shut… the fuck… up." is all I could think.

He started to cry. That put a smile on my face and a sparkle in my eye. I stopped him mid sentence. I regurgitated the same line he recited to me over the phone and not in person when he broke it off.

"My love for you eroded."

His heart was in pieces. I could see the pain in his swollen eyes. Success!

"Now get the fuck out of my car."

"C" is for Christ!

2010-10-26T18:27:00.001-07:00

I knew my work was done as soon as my theology instructor's eyes grew wider after he heard my response.

"I'm sorry, I just don't believe in Christian mythology."

Could this be my first stroke inducing comment? He began to stutter. I was hoping he would start to speak in tongues only because of the left side of his face going numb.

"Ja Ja Jaysis is not a myth."

"Does this mean you're going to fail me?

Do not touch.

2010-10-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

As soon as he sat next to me, I knew something was going to happen. I got nervous. My hands began sweat. Where was my machete when I needed it most?

He used his hand to turn my face towards him. He tried to go in for the kill.

"Um... No." Gross.

He got up and wrapped himself under his blanket in bed. He said he was going to sleep.

"You can sleep next to me if you want."

I could have castrated him, but didn't. He already humiliated himself too much. I slept with my shoes on.

He didn't even finish "The Catcher in the Rye"

2010-10-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

My friends keep telling me to forget about the past. How can I possibly erase those traumatic moments?

Mouth breather asked me why I had so many books.

"Darling, I like to exercise my brain. Please help me move the boxes."

How could I let my standards get that low? Apparently King Moron hasn't read a book since high school.

One moment, that particularly makes my eye twitch every time I get a flash back, occurred when I was plugging in my dvd player. He wanted so badly to do this simple task.

"You know, I went to college for that kind of stuff."

Face palm.

Excuse me while I vomit.

2010-10-09T15:12:00.000-07:00

I decided to find a new physical therapist. It just didn't feel right with the last one. She was massaging my pelvic muscles and I could see that her eyes were closing slowly as if she had something else in mind. I didn't expect my first "girl on girl" experience to be with a dumpy old woman with frizzy white hair.

The new therapist was just as bad.

"So, how old are you?"
"29."
"Wow, you don't even look 18! That's so hot."
"I get that a lot."
"And how's your sex life?"
"Really?"

I'll have the special.

2010-10-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

We were too lazy to cook anything the day after Christmas. Mother decided the family would go to a chain restaurant that morning. The place was empty. The hostess led us to our tables which were next to the kitchen and restrooms. I could tell everyone was shocked with our placement. I had to say something.

"I guess we get premium nigger seating."

Mother turned to me and winked. There are moments that can mortify parental units. And there are moments that make you the shining star.

I'd like to close my tab.

2010-10-06T09:34:00.001-07:00

My after work beer moment was interrupted by an annoying tourist wanting me to sit at his table.

"Let's have a nice conversation while you drink your beer with my friends."

"Nah, I enjoy sitting here without conversation."

The couple witnessing the event said to me, "I think he likes you."

"That's a shame. I'd inject air into his carotid artery if I had the chance."

I'm so jaded.

I rolled a 20.

2010-10-04T16:51:00.000-07:00

I decided to end my short lived career as a Computer Science major half way into my first semester of college. I was so lonely those few weeks. My cohorts consisted of unwashed rotund role playing game addicts who were deemed socially inept. The moment I finalized my decision was after I was invited to a Dungeons and Dragons party by the bondage loving, daily tiger t-shirt wearing Furry.

Honeymoon in a flea infested country? Pass.

2010-09-29T14:36:00.000-07:00

I knew this would happen when I least expected it. Something was different when I walked into Mother's house. Mother had a big smile. Her hands were clasped together. Such delight was in the air… for her. She led me to the parlor room.

"What… the… fuck…… is that?" I thought to myself.

A man wearing a grey wool suit stood up with his hand out to shake mine. "Hallo, I am Paolo."

I could only stare at Mother with so much hatred while shaking the man's hand. Apparently, the only man she could find for me was a fresh out of school doctor from a third world country. She left the room. There was an awkward silence. I should have thrown the dildo in my luggage at him and said, "Seat's taken."

Mother's attempt to coach the man failed when I asked him what kind of music he liked.

"Heaby Mehtal."
"No shit? Me too. What bands?"
"Air Suffly."

She's just not right...

2010-09-27T10:35:00.000-07:00

The persons responsible for my well-being never realized their choices on my behalf contributed to my psychopathic tendencies. I would probably be a well-adjusted and functioning member of society if they chose not to dress me like a cast member from Little House on the Prairie. I think Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior would agree. I plotted my first and only murder at the age of 4. It all began when Amanda came to live with us. She was about my height, but a bit older. She was frightening. I knew there was something different about her. She would stare at me with hatred. Eventually she took over my room. I could tell Brother hated her too. I talked him into being my accomplice. Something needed to be done. We dismembered and buried her in the yard like a dog.

see below.

He went to Burning Man. He is invalid.

2010-09-23T10:54:00.000-07:00

I decided to give him space before completely abandoning him. As soon as I walked into the apartment, I could tell that all feelings for my lover would disappear. I searched every room, but could not find the moron. It wasn't until I looked out of the bedroom window and into the garden. I saw a bottle of Jameson and what was left of this thing I used to care for. Too drunk to figure out how to get past the front door, the most embarrassing man from the list of past lovers slept in the mud in the backyard.

No, Grandpa.

2010-09-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

Christ confirmed that he was an asshole almost immediately after I tried to be a good Samaritan for the first time. When I saw the old man crying on the street, I offered to buy him a beer. The experience turned sour as soon as he took off his shirt in the bar. He wanted me to look at him. He wanted me to tell him he was sexy. I took off as soon as the words "fuck me" came out of his mouth. I hope he ends up in a low scoring nursing home with no one to turn him and care for his soiled diaper and bed sores.

I wish the results would change.

2010-09-21T12:59:00.000-07:00

Going after the thing I want most is almost always the worst possible idea. No matter how many times it happens, the results are always the same. I'm left empty and unsatisfied. I am the retarded lab rat that never learns and ends up getting zapped during each experiment. I should learn how to stay away from french fries.

Bon appetit!

2010-09-10T10:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes adding a little sugar water to someone's food is the perfect punishment, especially for diabetics. I found it most entertaining to watch my step father turn red and scramble for his syringe whenever he'd eat or drink something with my secret ingredient. This therapy was necessary. After all, he did tell my mother and me that we needed breast implants one night at the dinner table.

That's how it happened. I swear.

2010-09-09T10:31:00.000-07:00

My dentist was concerned about my fractured tooth. He didn't believe me when I told him my jaw was clenched tightly due to a bunch of 3 week old kittens crawling all over me. Their cuteness was killing me. He looked at me as if I were the victim of domestic violence. Those kittens are now 5 years old.

I never sent this letter to Tater Tot.

2010-09-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

It's funny that you call me awkward and cold. I've always been awkward. And once I realize how useless someone is, I turn into a cold hearted bitch. So let me elaborate, since I haven't told you how I really feel about our whole situation.

A part of me dies every time I think about how I put up with your shortcomings. I can't believe how nice I was to you. You know what? Size does matter. You are inadequate both mentally and physically. Of course your tiny penis would control your tiny brain. I'll let you in on a secret: I was faking... every time. Those "orgasms" are actually just kegel contractions. Again, I was being nice for boosting your troglodytic ego 'cause you'd always say that you're a man. I should win an Emmy for fuck's sake.

You were good for one thing: laughter. You're fun to laugh at. I will never forget when you pulled out your cock ring. Did you stop and think to try it on before coming to my house? I'm pretty sure the diameter was somewhere on the website or wherever you got that thing. Ah, you're an idiot.

By the way, read a book sometime. It's good for you.

It's okay. I don't mind.

2010-04-22T13:05:00.000-07:00

I never knew there was a woman out there who completely hated my guts. We only encountered each other once and she decided I was the source of her unhappiness. I never knew someone could have such strong feelings towards me. I can cross that off of my to do before I die list.

Ouch.

2010-01-12T12:21:00.000-08:00

Before knowing that an ovarian cyst burst, he told me to take Midol. I was curled up in a ball while puking. It felt like someone jammed an icepick into my womanhood. I have plans to stab his gonads if that happens again.

Did I actually compare myself to that behemoth?

2009-11-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

It's funny when you come to the realization that your brain has been tricking you all along. She's a disgusting pig. No matter how you put the spin on it, no matter which way you look, she's a big, fat, disgusting pig with the nose that seemingly fits this description. Why was I jealous of that? Temporary mental retardation. Nothing to see here. Run along.

Mother created a monster.

2009-08-27T12:30:00.001-07:00

The morning after mother tricked me into thinking a monster was watching me the whole night, my hobby of psychologically toying with people was born. It was the only activity that entertained me. It's all fun and games when someone gets hurt.

How inconsiderate of me.

2009-08-26T13:00:00.000-07:00

I sat down at the front of the bus, not realizing there was an older woman with white hair behind me. The rest of the patrons started to yell at me, calling me an asshole, for not letting the woman sit down. I started to laugh as soon as the rest of the bus could see I was starting to bleed heavily. No one knew I just had an abortion.

At least he wasn't orange.

2009-08-26T10:52:00.001-07:00

The blind date wasn't so bad at first. I didn't like his cologne; I could taste it in the air. I decided it was a disaster when he unbuttoned his shirt and popped the collar. He proceeded to show me his buffoonery by slicking his hair back with the palm of his hand while holding out the other hand to lead me to the dance floor. I should have faked a seizure.

I don't want one anymore.

2009-08-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

She could tell that something was wrong. My smile was showing most of my teeth. I didn't have the heart to tell her the baby's head was misshapen and too ugly to look at. I told her she needed to change the diaper.

I can see track marks on your face.

2009-08-24T15:28:00.001-07:00

My shrink who religiously uses botox has run out of options. He told me that I just carry too much sadness around with me. I think I need a second opinion. There is nothing sadder than altering your face for the general public.

It's not funny.

2009-08-24T15:26:00.000-07:00

When I arrived at his house after the biopsy, he started making baby noises to mimic me in pain. At that very moment, all I could think about was wanting to put hot coals into his mouth while he slept.